feels alive and dead

i finally felt awoke but i felt i am dying... i awaken from this shit routine that happens everyday between camp and home.... awaken from how far i am from my goals and dreams and everything thats eating me away... and i feel i am going thru a slow decaying death.

less than 1 year left from ORD... and i have not move a single inch on my java programming... it has been dota dota clubs pubs movies night outs and everything... when will i finally do what i really really want to do....

the stress i feel at work really numbs me.... i have not worked so fucking hard at any of the temp jobs and to endure the rank difference really sickens me... everyday i come home i just want to throw everything down and relax..

i need a change of hobbies... accumulate wealth, free myself from all the problems that i am going to inherit from my father after ORD and really find something that i love to do. I'm not going to conform to society and end up 30 years older and barely surviving.

i may not have the talent, i certainly do not know the know hows but i am willing to learn. I will never want to eat my words... the past maybe cruel but its over. :)